6/26/09: What was I thinking??!?

Posted on 2009-06-26 by Rachel DeMille

What was I thinking?

How many times I have asked myself that question regarding the spacing of my first three children. It was all bliss and diapers when they were coming along, one, two, three within two and a half years. It was a little dicey when I didn't sleep soundly for five years. It was kind of nutty when they all entered puberty on the same weekend. But now--now is when I really start asking myself for an accounting--how could I have let this happen????

Of course, I am obligated to explain myself as this soul-searching spills on to my blog. So what has me questioning the very meaning of life?

It's this: I have three new drivers at the same time. Oliver went at it a year late, Emma's just getting started, and Sara's raring to go at the first legal moment. And so I've got a kid with a license less than six months, and two learning to drive at the same time.

Can you feel my pain??

What was I thinking?

Send prayers, flowers, money... I haven't looked into the insurance ramifications. I sincerely don't want to know...

 

Read more Rachel's Mine by clicking here.

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6/20/09: Six-month Purge!

Posted on 2009-06-20 by Rachel DeMille

You know how some people keep a to-do list and check things off as they go?  I'm the kind of person who adds things to the list that I've already completed just so I can check them off.  Anybody else?  Be honest.  You know you do...

I'm also the kind of person who feels like I've personally lost 75 pounds every time I hear the trash truck lift my dumpster high overhead to carry away my week's refuse.  So imagine my glee to be engaging this week in a six-month purge!

I'm going about it sort of crazy-like this time around.  We are a big family, and we own 2 large passenger vans--one, a 12-passenger Chevy (which I love) and one, a 15-passenger Ford with a wheelchair lift conversion so it seats only 9.  But the area where two benches were removed to accomodate the wheelchair doubles as the cargo area, and it can hold an amazing amount of junk.  I know because we've tested its capacity on many occasions.

So today I called all the kids to me and had them make sure both vans were cleaned of incidentals and valuables.  Then I called all available hampers, baskets and boxes to my presence in the parlor.  Now comes the good part.  The white van ("Puddle Jumper") is designated dump van, and the gray one ("Bullet") is designated thrift store van.  Are you with me?  I'm going to sit and point while the kids bring me loads from the toy room, laundry room, garage, etc., and by the end of the day two vans will drive away with my mind-clutter their respective destinations.

You're jealous, aren't you?  Okay, maybe you can't possibly imagine having two van-loads of junk to haul away (and I suppose whether we do remains to be seen--but we're going to do our best!  Bribery will be in force for relinquishment of personal possessions on this day!), and I suppose you may pity me.  But I'm having a great day!!!

I urge you to consider when your 6-month purge should be and, even if it's only cleaning out your extra kitchen drawer of stuff-with-no-other-home, do yourself a favor and make it happen!

I'm going to be several hundred pounds lighter by the end of the day...

;-) rd

Read more Rachel's Mine by clicking here.

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6/12/09: Who Can Stand?

Posted on 2009-06-12 by Rachel DeMille

When we founded George Wythe College seventeen years ago, we had little concept of what the future would hold, and only a vague idea of what we wanted to be in that future.  We had ambitions to make a difference, and believed that in bringing students face to face with greatness, great things would result.  It was challenging, frustrating, rewarding, demoralizing, frightening, inspiring and life-changing.  We hoped that the ripple effect would spill outward from the students who paid a price to prepare for their life's work.

We knew and became intimately familiar with the cycles of history and the likelihood that our generation would have a crisis to navigate and overcome.  And even as the leaves appeared on the fig tree, so to speak, the weight of personal experience made it difficult to imagine or comprehend what our world would look like when our stability and prosperity were threatened.

Even now, as we begin to see the unravelling of what has been, the message of warning and the sentiment of inevitability of change seem alarmist and extreme to some; but I believe that, at least here, among those who support Leadership Education, the time for false optimism is past.  It falls to us now to join ranks with those who understand our place in history to answer the call and use the remaining months and years of security to prepare for what will surely be.  I do not know what shape it will take, but the daily news suggests many plausible forms:  economic collapse, catastrophic violence, threats to our food supply, pandemics and plagues, the rapid and drastic alteration of constitutional forms and protections--or the likely combination of many of these factors.

I assert that God's miraculous power delivered those rag-tag American revolutionaries from challenges at least as great as the ones we face.  And while there are many in our generation who may be their equals in terms of scholarly understanding, we have yet to prove that our character is sufficient to merit the intervention of Providence.  True, many are well-educated in the proper role of government, are well-practiced in dealing with crises and challenges, are gifted in leading, teaching, serving and inspiring.  And for all the good they are capable of due to these attributes and this consecrated preparation, the greatest threat still lies within.

We have long given voice to the sentiment that a statesman is more than just a scholar, a leader or a public servant.  The GWU mission statement defines statesmen as "men and women of virtue, wisdom, diplomacy and courage who inspire others to greatness and move the cause of liberty."  To truly fulfill that mandate, we must surrender our personal weaknesses, insecurities and pride.  We must celebrate the best effort of every man or woman, no matter what else we may disagree upon; we must learn to recognize allies in strange places, and set aside differences that render such alliances ineffective.

Jesus crossed the societal lines of religion, principle, decorum and propriety to move the cause of liberty and to inspire greatness in the leper, the tax collector, the prostitute and the Pharisee (in Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea).  In every conceivable way he modeled for us that there is a time to shake hands with "the enemy".  Our good friend Mark Siljander crossed enemy lines in a crusade to build a sustainable peace, and has braved accusations, allegations and lies meant to discredit him as a result.  Our country's history is adorned with the sacrifices and compromises made by men who knew when cooperation was called for; and these moments, while demanding the single-mindedness and humility of those whose role it was to stand for something, are some of the great, defining triumphs in our history.

Would you win the battle for freedom? Then you must take up this challenge. Who is your nominal “enemy”?  Make him your ally.  If it can be said of him that he loves freedom and family, be an asset in his effort to achieve his worthy goals.  Be a model of peaceful conduct, of fearless friendship.  The tyranny of aristocracy will not rest lighter upon our children because of our narrow-mindedness in the battle against it.  Our only hope to turn back the tide already too far gone is to have no other object in mind than this.  We must model virtue, wisdom, diplomacy and courage.  We must lay aside our pride and bring down our walls.  We must link arms with any who is willing to make a gain on any front against the advance of tyranny.  We will look in vain for an army large enough that consists solely of those who agree with us on all points.  Such mindless crusades may win many skirmishes, but will ultimately lose the war.

Honest disagreements will persist, but they need not hinder us from accomplishing our common goals, those aims which are more important than the labels and controversites that we sometimes use to define “us” and “them.” We should and must cooperate with those who believe in public virtue, no matter their stance on public prayer.  We must cooperate with those who believe in the rule of law, no matter their stance on defense.  We must cooperate with those who believe in freedom of conscience, regardless of their stance on privacy.  And above all, we must transcend lines and factions among those who share our vision of family, freedom and prosperity.  If each faction represents a muscle in the body, we must be the ligaments that combine and coordinate their efforts to achieve a meaningful victory.

There are many levels on which we must improve; too few of us are prepared to give a persuasive voice for the protection of life liberty and property, and we reach only those who already agree with us.  Too few of us have our own houses in order, in terms of health, finances and relationships, and this will render us less effective.  Too few of us are willing to dismiss others' weaknesses, ignorance or deficits of character to instead master and eradicate our own.

"Liberty and Prosperity"

I believe freedom will win.  I believe that, to be truly worthy to be numbered in the ranks who fight in Freedom's name, we must surrender the battle within to act with true integrity.  The battle now is, as it always has been, a battle for men's hearts and souls, one by one. We must each look within to ensure that our hearts are whole, and then seek to win allies not by overpowering their minds or their wills, but by entreating their hearts. This is the true victory of Freedom, and our only hope for victory.

rd

Read more Rachel's Mine by clicking here.

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5/9/09: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Spring is a time of Renewal

Posted on 2009-05-09 by Rachel DeMille (Tags: spring, core, love of learning, garden, family)

Oliver asked me ten days ago what I wanted for Mother's Day.  My answer was both a shock and a disappointment to him, and probably a source of frustration to the kids; but I, for once, knew what I wanted.  And I really did want it, down to my toes.  Here is the list I gave him:

1. Purge the kids' clothes
2. Purge the garage
3. Purge the storage room and pantry
4. Purge the Loft
5. Plant the garden

He was like, "What???!?"  He was thinking I would want a deep massage by sixteen loving hands with enough lotion to effectively mummify me for the next several generations.  He was hoping I would ask each child to pitch in to buy me a lovely bouquet of flowers.  They were hoping an omelet and tulip on a tray would get the job done.  They had no idea how long I had been making a mental list of things that were driving me crazy during the long winter of recuperation we've been going through.

You see, I'm a pretty good get-it-done gal, but I'm not too great at delegating.  I tend to really dig in myself and motivate by participation.  But with my health not allowing me to take on big projects for the past few months, the things I normally would have tackled (and enlisted others to do with me) has been mounting, and mounting and mounting.  I had this latent panic rising within as I felt myself losing control of the projects that needed to be done.

So, in spite of the unvoiced objections, spring cleaning came around for us last week.  We did a six-month purge and gave away lots of clothes that no longer suit us for whatever reason.  We reorganized the garage, the food storage room, the pantry and the children's play loft.  Okay, I'm not satisfied that the loft is done yet, but tomorrow's Mother's Day and they're committed to finishing as part of my present.

Perhaps the most rewarding thing that has come of this ten-day Mother's Day gift was the rehabilitation of the garden.  We have a funky system of raised beds with gutters where we put organic matter to enrich the soil.  These gutters serve as the walkways as well.

Over the course of the year leftovers, mulch from the vegetable juicer, dried out sandwiches, vegetable peels, yard clippings and waste, scorched rice, wheatgrass mats, etc., all get laid in the gutters.  Then, come next year, the raised beds are shifted by 1/3 to the left.  That is, one third of the bed is dumped into the last year's gutter, and a new gutter is formed left of that one.  In this way, every three years we have a huge organic influx to the soil.

So anyway: ten days ago (actually, before Oliver asked me for my wish list) I initiated the project by going out to the garden spot with Ammon (who wants a "real" house, meaning one with hills and streams and animals, not the acre of professionally landscaped flowers and trees we currently live on).  We started by sorting through the remaining beets that were still in the bed.  The wasted ones were put in the gutters, the good ones were set aside to go in the house for use.

Then we went to tackle the carrots, and we took note that we were having fun.  So we ran in and called everyone off their projects and had them come join us.  I kid you not, it felt like an easter egg hunt.  Abby and Meri were full of glee at the little carrots they were pulling up!  I got burnt to a royal crisp, and we all left feeling like all was right with the world.  It was such a feeling of renewal to have us all connected on a project that was so wholesome and whole.

Oliver organized a big day of shovels and rakes to turn the rows.  I knew that it was going to be a ton of work, and I wanted to get the kids energized.  So for devotional that morning we played a little game.  Oliver James (our 18yo) took the marker to the white board, and the kids brainstormed principles of life and salvation that were taught by working in the garden. Each kid was listed on the board and given a point for any principle they came up with. Oliver was appropriately capricious and off-the-wall, so Ammon got points for just sitting there, and 3yo Abby won the game by saying something totally irrelevant.  They had fun with it, and it really prepped their minds and hearts to dig in to the project, so to speak.

We gloried in the perfumed air of the lilac hedge.  We wondered when the lady bugs would show up , and then thrilled together when we found them just yesterday.  The kids came to me excitedly with the big, fat toad that they found as they worked.  Today they'll plant the corn and peas, maybe some other stuff.  It's feeling wonderful, and not only has the house and the garden experienced renewal, but the family as well.

-rd

Read more Rachel's Mine by clicking here.

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4/22/09: Homeschooling with Special Needs, Part 1

Posted on 2009-04-27 by Rachel DeMille (Tags: special needs)

Hi Rachel,

We've met before, but I know that you've met a thousand unknown people. I'm K.D.; P.G. is my brother.

Anyway, I had a baby, G----, mid-November who has hydrocephalus. She spent the first twelve days of life at Primary Children's in the NICU. They placed a shunt in her head and she seemed to be doing great. Now here we are again just a week later to have the shunt replaced. We will be here another week, if all goes well. If any infection shows up we could extend our stay two more weeks.

G---'s prognosis is unknown. Her brain may or may not develop normally, though she will have a shunt for the rest of her life.

You have talked about Hyrum and I know that he has special needs. So, how do you do this? How do you juggle homeschooling in the midst of crisis? My children (we have 7 kids - ages new-11yr.) seem to have forgotten that they have parents, not to mention that they are supposedly getting a leadership education. When the crisis is over and G----is home, then what?

If you have any thoughts on this I would really appreciate you insight.

Thanks, KD

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PART 1, The Family

I do remember you, K---. As I recall you couldn't be anyone but P---'s sister. I am so sorry for your struggles and heartache. PCMC is truly a miraculous place, is it not? Hyrum also has a shunt, which was placed when he was 5 months old after many weeks of our resistance in hopes that his ventricles would drain spontaneously. During that time he had an EVD (external ventricle drain) which was placed through the fontanel. He has been one of the extremely fortunate ones; that initial shunt is still in place almost five [now seven and a half] years later. I understand we are on borrowed time.

I take comfort in the thought that technology marches on, and by the time he needs a replacement (still praying that day never comes) the options will be more reliable, more durable. I do have some very dear friends who had a 2yo son revived from 45 minutes at the bottom of a swimming pool. He had to have a shunt placed (and this was over 20 years ago) that they never had replaced. So, in our case as well as theirs, the shunt either kept on ticking or the body actually did recover ability to drain the ventricles spontaneously. Nobody's going to open them up to find out which.

I remember as a young person having a real affinity for disabled and elderly people and enjoying serving them. And yet, I wondered what it would be like to be the parent of such a child. Everyone says they're such a blessing, you love them just the same, but… they're not the same, are they? How does that work? Doesn't your heart constantly long for what cannot be? How does one live with such discontent, such regret, such disillusionment? Don't you look at disfigured countenances or atrophied muscles or whatever the case may be, and feel--I don't know—uncomfortable? Embarrassed?

In answer to my own long-ago question: I can attest that Hyrum is “just” my son. I don't have any idea what it would be like to try to raise him under different circumstances, how I would feel about other disabilities or challenges; but I can say unequivocally that I have no part of my heart that isn't just pleased for who he is. There is the mother in me that worries about what surgeries he might have to have, that feels frustrated that I don't know sometimes if he's in pain or just tired or bored or just wants me to hold him. But it's not all that much different.

I worry about Eliza's insecurities and what she will go through in puberty. I worry about Oliver's ambivalence and the way he sometimes feels emotionally disconnected from others. I worry about Ammon's flightiness and if I am really reaching his heart.

I love all the children for who they are, and I worry about all of the kids in different ways. But not differently from the way I love Hyrum and worry about him. It's just his life, and I'm just his mom worrying about him. Luckily, my temperament is not one to struggle with what might have been or how it could be.

As to the family culture, and leadership education: I sat down with the kids when Hyrum was a year old and told them, "I've had a lot of babies, and I am pretty much their caretaker, with a little volunteering from the family members, until they can do for themselves. But Hyrum isn't going to be able to “do for himself” for a very long time--maybe never. He's not just my baby now; he's the family's baby.

You have friends that call you after school to see if you can play. You have friends that go to movies and activities with virtually no thought other than whether or not their homework is done. That's not the life the Lord planned for our family. You know the P---- family down the road? They have a 16-year-old Downs brother. You know where 14 year old C---- is every afternoon? He is tending J---- while their mom and dad and big brother are all still at work. That's his life. That's your life. Heavenly Father decided that for you to become who you need to be, your early years are not going to be as carefree as most of your friends. This is who we are as a family." They solemnly agreed that this made sense, and that they would pull their weight.

This, not Hyrum's needs, has been my greatest heartache. There have been times when I wept bitter tears over the burden they were called upon to bear. Ever since Hyrum's birth my health went in a steady decline, such that when the girl just younger than him was born I could do little more than care for her. The family members all had Hyrum in shifts around the clock. After our last was born a year ago, I absolutely crashed. I was bedridden and frail for 8 months afterwards, and still am very delicate. Sometimes for weeks at a time I cannot function at 100%.  Whereas our family culture has always idealized the sharing of household chores and responsibilities among everyone, it has not radically altered the level of contribution required of the individual members.

And while my submission and peace are qualities I can attribute to my religious faith, I am not a fatalist. I do believe we have choices. For example, during the time of my greatest stress, I applied maybe 80% of what I believed would have been the ideal for my health.  Sure, I don't smoke or drink; but I have been inconsistent in avoiding foods that weaken me, for example, or in getting the rest I needed.  So I could have made a difference there.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda.  Not that I feel that I'm being "punished"--just that I'm ill-inclined to feel like a victim of life, and I believe that my principled choices might have made a difference.

That being said, I do believe that in the context of making principled choices and honoring covenants there are trials that we will not avoid. And that in that same context, the trials that come our way are consecrated ones, and we can trust the outcome to be for our own good, to fulfill the Lord's plan for us, and to glorify Him.

I'm afraid that rather than offer you comfort and encouragement I have burdened you unnecessarily. Let me just sum up with this: my children are having a wonderful life. I have virtually no concern for them losing sight of what really matters. The are all mission-driven and firmly on the path toward making and keeping commitments that will bring them joy with their families and toward making a difference in a world that needs leaders who accept challenges without fear.

Some people wait until their mid-life to come to terms with the fact that they will not realize all their aspirations, and that their lives will not be easy. My children have no such illusions. In their place, they have a very real sense that the Lord will sustain them in all that they do for good, and that they do not need to wait for easy times to have good times. What a gift! What a comfort! Perhaps some would argue that they have been robbed of their childhood, but they have not been and will likely never be robbed of their innocence. Perhaps they do not have an abundance of carefree moments, but they do have a genuine sense of security.

It is a great challenge to create my ideal in terms of how I would structure my home and my time. That is to say: I am not succeeding in creating my ideal. I don't anticipate success on that particular point, at least not until I finally submit to the truth that my ideal is not the Lord's ideal for me.

I'm very sure that His ideal for us is attainable every day, and to the extent I give myself to that, we are having a fantastic experience with Leadership Education. After all is said and done, having a disabled child, or a child with health issues, as the case may be, is not the thing that brings me to this point. It's just life. All of us, in one way or another, have to live with the fact that the Lord wants to put us to the ultimate remodel, to use someone else's analogy. It's inconvenient, noisy, dusty, exhausting, and ultimately feels like you're in freefall. But he's got a vision for us.

Having a frank talk with your kids about their feelings is a great idea to consider. A trip to Barnes and Noble (the internet is also a great resource, but really easy to get drawn into the drama of endless information) to look into books by parents of children with special needs is a great idea to consider. Praying for and with your spouse is a great idea (many marriages become increasingly strained by a special needs child element in the family). As you become clearer on the nature of G----'s challenges, feel free to contact me again with any questions you may have. I am constantly contacted by people with ideas that might be helpful for Hyrum (everything from essential oils to full-blown alternative therapy programs), and I will freely share anything that might apply to your situation.

I do encourage you to enjoy your family and your baby. Probably you won't have the luxury to do it right now in the way you might have envisioned, but the Lord has a vision of how you can do it. Tap into that and find comfort in knowing that His way is not just sufficient, but abundant.

xoxo rd

p.s. in the event of the very real possibility that I told you what I wanted to say, and not what you needed to hear, please write back with your specific questions. I promise to stay on point next time.

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